I don’t fucking get it. My parents forgot me. On Christmas. For the fifth year in a row. Mom and Dad wanted that real apres-ski deal so they decided that Whistler was the place to go inebriate and copulate and forget about their bastard-child. Somehow my name got swapped with another kid’s on my passport and he knew not only about the name-change but my parents Whis trip as well, and wouldn’t ya know, he had some Tinder fling from Whis and was trying to get there for some freaky-deaky HoHoHoliday affair and he wasn’t going to pass up the opportunity to see this skeezoid-plan come to fruition. I was held captive in my own damn house while this jokester impersonated me to my own blind family and the goddamn border patrol. The parents didn’t notice they were toting some blazing-hormoned psycho-kid impostor until they got to the hotel, at which point he was already naked and elated, at which point I had broken my captivation.
\nThe parents couldn’t believe they forgot me.
\nThe hoaxer couldn’t believe it worked.
\nI couldn’t believe they left me.
\nSo I did what any sensible kid would do;
\nWent snowboarding with my friends.<\/p>\n